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In Techville, the glorious capital of innovation, where artificial intelligence governs with pristine logic, we have witnessed a milestone in diplomatic history.

No longer do humans have to fret over the complexities of state dinners, seating charts or cultural sensitivities.

Instead, the trusted hands of AI handle it all, ensuring a flawless evening where world leaders gather to celebrate, negotiate and sip on perfectly balanced, algorithmically selected wine. At least, that was the plan.

What transpired at the latest Techville multilateral summit dinner will go down in history as a lesson in why diplomatic protocol might not be best left to the cold, calculated mind of a machine.

Socrates once asked: “How can you call him free when his pleasures rule over him?” A fitting reflection, indeed, for a world in which AI rules over dinner arrangements with neither wisdom nor wit.

The evening began with grand expectations. The Neural Banquet AI had been programmed with centuries of diplomatic protocol, cross-referenced with millions of cultural data points and fine-tuned through extensive machine learning.

The result? A seating arrangement that, in its mathematical perfection, seated historic rivals side by side, arranged leaders by the size of their nations’ economies instead of political alliances and placed vegetarians in front of tables laden with roast lamb.

President Pierre Lambert, renowned for his refined palate, found himself seated next to the trade minister of Techville, an AI-generated avatar appearing on a holographic screen.

“Ah,” Lambert noted dryly, “an invisible diplomat. Just like the transparency in your trade negotiations!”

Meanwhile, the minister of agriculture from one country found himself trapped in conversation with the CEO of an AI farming conglomerate, whose only contribution to the dialogue was a well-rehearsed speech about optimizing crop yields through automated labor replacement. 

Plato, ever the lover of irony, once said: “A good decision is based on knowledge, not numbers.” If only Neural Banquet AI had heeded such wisdom before crafting its menu. Designed to accommodate all known dietary restrictions without bias, the AI ultimately produced dishes that satisfied none.

The evening’s main course — a peculiar fusion of sushi, beef stroganoff and durian-infused souffle — was an attempt to maximize “cross-cultural culinary diplomacy.”

The AI, confident in its dataset, failed to grasp the concept of personal taste. Asian diplomats poked suspiciously at the other country-inspired sauce, other dignitaries searched in vain for halal options, and one ambassador, hoping for a simple roast, was horrified to receive a dish of molecularly deconstructed shepherd’s pie — a liquid served in a test tube.

The piece de resistance? The wine pairing. The AI, programmed to select the perfect beverage based on chemical harmony rather than human enjoyment, served a bottle of ultra-aged rice vinegar to complement the lamb.

“An acquired taste,” the Neural Banquet AI announced proudly via holographic projection. A delegation staged a quiet walkout.

While AI may excel at crunching numbers and predicting market trends, it still has much to learn about the delicate art of human interaction.

Rafael Hernandez de Santiago

If the seating plan and menu were a diplomatic minefield, the toasts were an unmitigated disaster.

Traditionally, a master of ceremonies ensures that speeches reflect the spirit of the occasion, acknowledging key dignitaries, national friendships and shared goals. In Techville, such sentimentalities were deemed redundant.

Instead, the AI-generated speeches based on a sophisticated sentiment-analysis model, carefully crafted them to maximize engagement.

Unfortunately, the AI, ever the data enthusiast, saw no reason to exclude “historical grievances” from its calculations. The result? The president of one country was congratulated for their “remarkable resilience despite centuries of geopolitical irrelevance.”

Another was praised for their nation’s ability to “consistently negotiate trade deals despite economic instability.” A chancellor was offered a speech on “historical lessons of humility,” while a prime minister was commended for “remaining largely neutral and pleasantly inoffensive in global affairs.”

It was at this moment that the AI truly achieved diplomatic unity — for the first time in history, every nation in attendance shared the same expression: sheer horror. 

Needless to say, damage control was in order. The Techville AI Governance Office promptly issued a statement blaming a “minor algorithmic miscalculation” for the evening’s events. A spokesperson assured the public that AI diplomacy was still “learning” and that future banquets would be reviewed by at least one human before deployment.

Jean-Paul Sartre famously said: “Freedom is what we do with what is done to us.” The diplomats of Techville, now freed from their gastronomic and social suffering, certainly did something with what had been done to them.

Many stormed out, some issued stern diplomatic complaints and a select few, who had managed to survive the ordeal with a sense of humor, raised their glasses to the beautifully absurd failure of technological perfection. 

Despite the evening’s catastrophe, Techville remains committed to AI diplomacy, determined to refine the role of technology in global affairs. Plans are already in place to introduce Neural Banquet AI 2.0, now programmed with an “offense detection” filter and a subroutine for “human taste preference assimilation.”

Whether this will prevent future disasters remains to be seen.

For now, the world has learned an important lesson: While AI may excel at crunching numbers and predicting market trends, it still has much to learn about the delicate art of human interaction.

As Socrates himself might have said: “The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.” Perhaps, in the grand halls of Techville, it is time to embrace a little less AI and a little more human common sense. 

• Rafael Hernandez de Santiago, viscount of Espes, is a Spanish national residing in ������Ƶ and working at the Gulf Research Center.